Monday, Apr. 28, 2003

je ne sais quoi faire

Is this supposed to be difficult? Who am I really? Who am I supposed to be? Are those two identities even the same person? I don't know. I don't know anything and usually I'm okay with that but recently . . . recently it hasn't been okay. And I don't know what sparked this feeling of . . . mediocrity? Impotence? And this feeling is intensified by the fact that I'm afraid that sitting by passively and waiting for the answers to come to me won't ameliorate this situation.

I thought that I would find myself but I haven't found it yet. And I thought that I had found myself and then I realized that I was mistaken. What does one have to do? What do I have to do? I am petrified that I'm doomed to live a life of "averageness" that will amount to nothing and I will die without contributing anything significant to the world or that I'll be 45 and still not know what I want to be when I grow up or that I'll be 45 and still know nothing, have no answers to anything, still not know who i am, or maybe know who i am but be too afraid to be that person.

la vie, c'est de temps en temps trop dificile. je ne sais quoi faire.