Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004

It's all around you

summer songs dancing in my head, juxtaposed against the staggering silence permeating nearly everything. a doorknob turns, a toilet flushes, intermittant laughter in the room next door. those are the only sounds i hear. the perpetual buzz of traffic blends just above the silence. like the impersonal, blank stares of yellow light emanating from the building across the street, like the lady in the elevator who turns her head away. everything looks the same. impersonal, blank, frozen. I feel so confined.

sitting there, contemplating, a feeling of reminiscent sadness washes over me. this seems to happen to me a lot. contemplating about my freshman year, last semester, the changes i have endured and the sameness that has endured. contemplating the past year and the people i met, lost contact with, left this country, left this world, friends i made, lost, experiences i shared, goals that i acheived and those that faded into the murky wake. contemplating how i possibly survived in that dreadfully tiny dorm room. And now, sitting in this open, empty, silent room, alone, reading, feelings of sadness washed over me as i realized, or think i realized, a certain era of my life was finished. And that is kind of sad.

I remember when i had to research colleges and how stressful that is, and now i have to research the rest of my life and i don't even know where to begin. i remember when it was warm outside and i could wear flip flops and visit ice cream parlours in the evenings and go boating with my dad. now it is too cold to go outside. I remember listening to my Hives CD back in 2002 and listening to the lyrics of the opening song, atomic war, in 2004 . . ., something like that. Now it is 2004 and i cannot even conceive of how time passes so quickly. i remember so many things i just can't put into words. i remember the painful noise of the dorms. now all i hears is painfully silent.