Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004

ouverte

before i came to college i knew that i would be thrown into this new environment, and it would be scary, but i hoped that it would give me the chance to grow and mature as a person and understand myself more. and in some ways, it has. i am more independent, i think, and more reliant on myself and can do things now that i wasn't fully capapble of doing things i wasn't before. i've learned a lot, academically and otherwise. and while i still don't know what i want to do with my life, i have a better idea of my interests and my limitations.

one thing that hasn't changed about me, even though i thought (hoped) it would, is my introversion and the fact that i am very shy. i guess i thought that being in a completely new environment with completely new people i could shed that persona i had in high school. but i am realizing now that it is a deeply ingrained part of who i am, and although i can't figure out why, it is extremely difficult for me to change.

i still have a hard time participating in class. it is difficult for me to make friends as i don't feel completely comfortable opening up to someone i don't know. i can't do much more than small talk. even that is hard sometimes.

sometimes i wish that i could be outgoing, that i could have good social graces and just be a talkative and amiable person who has no difficulty communicating with others. that is just such a difficult thing for me to overcome, though. i don't know how to explain it, sometimes i feel like i am just waiting for some sort of epiphany, to snap out of this protective shell i keep myself in,that one day i'll wake up and it all will be easy for me. but then i am an introverted person and always will be, i enjoy having time to myself and with maybe just a few others; i'm not kind of person who likes to be around lots of people, whether i am outgoing or not.

the world is so prejudiced against introverted people like me. i have had professors tell me, in so many words, that i need to get over this shyness because otherwise my life will amount to nothing. i'll just be an observer, a bystander. of course they tell me, "its okay, i was shy once too . . ." but i have a hard time believing that. how could they have been? then they would know how difficult it is for me to even be talking to them at that moment. classes here are large and favor those who are outspoken. its so hard for me to find professors who can write me reccomendations because i am judged by how much i speak. And with the death penalty work, although my partner and i have equal leadership positions, she is the one who is always referred to as the president by others, the one who gets all the phone calls, and so on. i am just in the background, doing logistical work. and that's okay with me. just another example . . .

i don't know. i am pretty much comfortable about the way i am, i guess . . . i don't know. i am not comfortable with how the way i am fits into society though. i seem to be getting the impression from everywhere that to succeed in life it is necessary to be extroverted and outgoing (and loud and obnoxious and egotistical . . .). that is what makes me want to change myself. i wish it were easy. i wish i knew how.