Monday, Sept. 13, 2004

contemplations on yesterday

i never thought about how the constellations below the equator would be different. i look up in the sky, searching for something familiar, but all i see are shapes that i know must have a name that i don't know.

they drove us around the peninsula yesterday. it was beautiful beyond words. i saw mountains that fall right into the beaches with water that is clear and blue and populated with African penguins. i went to the "traditional" end of the continent where there was a post that reminded me that i am nearly 13,000 kilometers from home. i saw ostriches running through the wildflowers and babboons jumping on cars and chasing ostriches. last night i moved into my homestay, where i will be living all week, and was given a name in Xhosa (one of the languages they speak here -- pronounced !osa where the ! is a click), so now i am known as Nokotula . .. well i think that's it. it means "quiet lady." i learned how to say some greetings too. so far my first night wasn't nearly as eventful as others who are born-again christians and walk around the house naked.

its all so beautiful, and exotic, and i love it, but it also is just a continual reminder of how far away from home i am. every once in a while, all i want to do is sleep in my own bed at night and have my dad cook me dinner. but then at the same time, after my mom told me that bush is like way ahead in the polls now . . . and after my mom says he's going to win i feel everything is doomed.

i want to have more faith in my country. i want to know that its people live up to its ideals that we are always reminded of. i want to believe that we are a critical and intellectual people and that we can see the mistakes bush has made. i wish people would understand that we are the only nation who believes this way in the world, and shouldnt' that make people at least question the direction we are going? i am an american and i know i always will be, you can't change your nationality and your culture no matter how hard you try. i love my country and wish i could support it. i don't like feeling this torn. i don't like feelign like an outsider in my own country. i don't like being branded something i'm not. i don't know what to feel. i just feel uncomfortable. and i don't like it.

its easy to say, if he wins, then i'm just not coming back. but what good would that do?